Friday, May 11, 2007

Parental Unit Marked 'M'

household Tips For Women

  • Between juggling a career and a social life, today's woman has it harder than ever, we are told. As a service to our lady readers, The Onion would like to lighten their burden by sharing some tips to make things easier around the house.
  • You may find yourself lying in bed at night beside your husband thinking, "Is this all?" It isn't, sister. With a cup of corn starch in your sheet laundry, you can achieve those perfect hospital corners.
  • The only way for a woman to know herself as a person is through creative work of her own. Cut grilled cheese sandwichces diagonally and let your spirit soar!
  • Power that pan clean with Girl Power! The same goes for counters, collars, rugs, curtains, tile, grout, duvet covers, venetian blinds, and problem areas.
  • When you open yourself to the abundance of the universe, anything is possible... even getting a clean toilet with NO SCRUBBING! Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet, let it sit for one hour, and then flush it clean. You can use that extra sixty minutes of free time to believe, breathe, dream, laugh, or CELEBRATE what makes you UNIQUE!
  • Do you often find yourself wishing there were more hours in the day? Juggling a career, a home, and a relationship can be hard, but you can't let any one of those things go, or you will be a failure as a woman. Taking a regular dose of methamphetamine will give you the energy to successfully manage all three and spare you the inconvenience of sleep.
  • Liberate yourself from household chores: Have children!

Happy Moms Day!

This morning I went to "Muffins for Mom" at P's school (a Mother's Day dealie) and each kiddo in his class had made little books for their mom's that had one page for each letter of the alphabet. They had drawn a picture for each and put a word that described their moms. I sat down at P's desk to look at my Mommy book, and read:

"A" is Amazing cook
"B" is Boss. She's the Boss
"C" is Cooks Mac and Cheese
"D" is Deranged.

I stared at the page... busted up laughing. Actually, he'd spelled it dranged, but I knew what he meant.

De-ranged P?!?!?! Why in the world did you put that!?!?!

He's busting up laughing... bout to pee his pants actually because of his "D" word.

I read on...

"E" is Easy Loving
"F" Flaming mad.

Flaming mad with a picture of me standing with a scowl on my face and huge flames coming out of my head! I couldnt help but laugh again...

However, now i'm thinking that I might need to go speak to his teacher because OMG what in the world was she thinking about me when she helped him put this book together!? I looked around the room at all the other mommy's reading their books and the girl next to me was busting up laughing too... so apparently she's as bad as I am.

The rest of my book read:
"G" Good Will (because i'm a giver)
"H" Human
"I" Idol
"J" Jabber (he says I talk alot!!!)
"K" Kerry
"L" Loved
"M" Mother
"N" Not unloved
"O" Organized
"P" Pregnant (he's really excited)
"Q" Quick Minded
"R" Rich (by whose definition!?!? haha)
"S" Supermodel (He's an awesome kid!!!)
"T" Talker
"U" Urban (he says i'm not old fashioned so i'm urban)
"V" Van Hater (absolutely!!)
"W" Watcher
"X" X-wife (yeah, i am one)
"Y" Yoga
"Z" Zitless (why?!??! He said he couldnt think of anything else with a Z)

This book cracks me up!! I've shown everyone. The guys here at work agree with the dranged, jabber and flaming mad. HAHAHAHHA

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Makeup Madness

A recent post explored the mind-boggling subject of cosmetics so I thought today it might be fun to discuss my personal makeup application steps. :) (You guys may want to skip this post. I’ll understand.) I tend to err on the side of excess and the pic shown represents my bare bones, basic, utilitarian beauty needs that I dig through every morning. Yet another auxiliary container houses extra makeup and resides in the main bathroom. From a very early age I champed at the bit to begin my initiation into the wonderful world of warpaint. My early teens were spent having my darling dad regularly confiscate contraband tools of the trade as he staunchly forbid his preshus namesake from resembling “a Cleveland hooker.” Not easily dissuaded, I simply sidestepped this horn-locking dilemma by going out and purchasing more goodies. When he finally did return them, they were sad, shriveled up shadows of their former selves. A few years ago, sis and I were visiting back home and strolling downtown when we spied the ‘Real McCoy’ not far ahead of us. I got all excited and squealed that here before our very eyes was what daddy stubbornly refused to let me let me look like. Course, the resemblance might have been harder to detect considering she was black…

Never one to be faithful to one particular brand, I mix and match products with wild abandon, only staying true to a select few that I’ve found produce the best results. Therefore, my morning workday routine goes something like this: Wash face with creamy cleanser followed by popping in the contacts. Dab on light moisturizer around eyes followed by smoothing on velvety soft Vitamin C skin boost serum from The Body Shop. It feels wonderful and is a great base for foundation. Then concealer lightly applied to undereye circles. I am currently using Physician’s Formula in fair. My liquid foundation of choice is Estée Lauder Double Wear makeup in “Shell.” It has the coverage I love and lasts throughout the day and to me, it’s worth every penny. That is followed by either a pressed or loose power to cut down shine. For pressed, my favorite is BeautiControl’s Wet/Dry finish in a light shade. Just recently I read about some highly touted loose mineral powder and purchased the Physician’s Formula product in Creamy Natural. So far, I really love the results. With the exception of tweezing, minimal time is expended on the brows so clear mascara is all I use for taming strays. Mascara is always black and either a freebie from Estée Lauder or L’Oreal’s Voluminous one. Now comes the fun, creative part—colors and a lot depends on what I’m wearing and my mood. I like pencil eyeliners (Revlon ColorStay or Avon) in gray, green, navy, or plum and eyeshadows (Rimmel, Estée Lauder) in muted, medium shades of gray, taupe, mauve, lilac and occasionally green. The lower lid is coated with a liquid liner in navy or green that is applied sparingly. Lipliners, mostly Revlon ColorStay, range from pink, wine, spice, red, and nude and are paired with coordinating lipsticks from Estée Lauder (minus Maraschino, *sniff*), Revlon, L’Oreal, Almay and Maybelline. Oh yeah! I can’t forget the blush—always in a muted pink or peach depending on my outfit. Sound complicated? I can practically do it blindfolded though that might result in me resembling more of a clown than I already do. I guess this takes about 15 minutes (minus hairstyling) so we’re not talking an excessive about of time and the end result is well worth it, but then, I am the Makeup Queen. Right Kerbear? ;)

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Smash That Fat

This whole preggers thing has me more food and weight conscious than ever. I know i'm going to gain weight... baby weight is fine. However, its the fat weight I want to avoid.

So..... after a few weeks of having to eat every couple of hours to keep from tossing my cookies and feeling like i've packed on 20 + pounds (actually have only gained bout 3 pounds total) i've come up with the brilliant idea of joining the Celebrity Fit Club.

I want to join join.... like GO there and be put through physical exercise hell by Sgt. Harvey E Walden, IV. He's turned people into Marines! Mean, mean, fighting machines! I'm sure i've done something famous in the past that qualifies me for 'Celebrity' Fit Club.

Dr Ian Smith, M.D. created the Fat Smash Diet... which is now available online! I've watched the show many times and I'd love the challenge. I know I dont weigh enough (over) to qualify... however I could like submit my weight at 9 months preggers (they dont need to know the truth behind the tub) and then i'd be way over my goal weight :)

There is an ex-Marine (probably drill Sgt) that does bootcamp not too far from my house. I've really considered hiring him to order me around a couple times a week. I might do that after little junior is born. It's just so much easier to get whipped into shape when someone is holding you accountable (helping). I do miss working out with my old FBI/Cop/Science Teacher workout partner. He was hard-ass!!!

Snoodle Snipping

Yesterday just sucked. Food Mooch was slamming things around loudly muttering to himself about having to mop up water in our basement, cold air funnels were spotted (though the helpful radio personality explained they were like clouds dressing up as tornadoes for Halloween), liquid intake was curtailed thanks to the potty situation, and the pièce de résistance had to be Water Buffalo’s vindictively squealing about my possession of a legitimately obtained key allowing access to the gym that I refused to lend her resulting in confiscation of said item. Nevermind that Mz Paragon of Virtue arrives late for work every day of her life, tries to finagle free samples from the bookstore and occasionally hijacks coworker’s offices (company property) during the lunch hour for compensated, moonlighting massages. Yeah, that’s ethical.

Dear BW is finally getting his wings clipped, so to speak and it’s high time he did. The last couple months have found him staying out late, getting into fights with neighborhood felines and making his adopted human parents sick with worry. As annoying as this behavior is, it’s a drop in the bucket compared to his frequent need to mark his territory in every corner of the house and blatantly ignore the litter box. In reality, he’s low cat on the totem pole as big brother Stubbly has been resident "King" for more years than I can recall. We’re hoping this will eliminate the constant carpet shampooing and insistence that the boy spend the night in the bathroom (spotted drinking from his fav water source) rather than roam the halls dribbling. Though this procedure has been in the works for awhile, it failed to register a few nights ago. TBC was watching Gene Simmons’ reality show and I was deeply immersed on the computer when in passing TBC remarked “He had his pecker out and was dry humping.” I questioned who he had reference to and he retorted “Who do you think? BW!” Quite frankly I thought he meant Gene Simmons. Well, I wouldn’t put anything past Mr. Tongue, would you? :)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Please bring Umbrellas

I've really had enough of the rain. I think my banana tree has also had enough. The ground was so saturated this morning, that the poor little thing was kind of leaning to one side.

For yet another day we're experiencing torrential downpours. I started out the door this morning for work and realized i'd left my umbrella in the MM. Actually, all 3 of them were in the MM. P, graciously volunteered to run out and get it for me - a little rain won't mess up his flat-top haircut. :) By the time I ran out, my laptop bag was soaked. Our residential streets had gushing water running through them and the major side streets had huge areas of standing water. Typically you can sail down those streets at a good 45mph, but this morning you had to creep along about 15mph because the water was so deep and besides that, you couldn't see for the pounding rain and wind.

Once I finally made it to the highway, we crept along for miles at a measley 35mph. I didnt dare take any pictures for fear of a fender-bender. I passed one major wreck - complete with ambulance and then another guy somehow got himself turned around backwards, but in the ditch, and buried deep in the water/mud. I'm guessing he hit water on the highway (going too fast) and lost control. He looked fine. Pissed, but fine.

I-44 East bound was flooded. Traffic was backed up for miles while cars slowed to almost nonexistant speed to try to get through the water. I watched as small cars all but disappeared in the dirty stuff while trying to get through. Everyone started trying to cram into the far right lane and shoulder where the water was less deep... but still was an issue. I'd never see it so flooded!

We've had three major 'leaks' here at work. Actually, the ceiling has caved in. Maintenance has been working fast and furious to get the water contained so it doesnt damage any more than it already has. One of the techs and I headed out to move equipment UP so it stands no chance of damage.

I'm ready for sun sometime soon!!!!

Cry Me a River

I don’t mean to dwell on our flooded situation but its reaaaallly wet here! This is a pic of the highway driving west this morning about two seconds before the torrential downpour kicked in. Once again, it was pouring/thundering/lightninging coming here resulting in a massive colorful display of umbrellas and drenched coworkers who foolishly forgot their critical bumper shoots. This town has nonexistent drainage and very saturated ground and thanks to that ‘minor’ problem, our building’s potties are now off limits. Oh the horror! Of course, I downed a considerable amount of java this morning so I’m regretting that decision already. Guess I’ll be dog-paddling over to another structure should the need arise. Or I could just go out and whiz in the bushes. : - ) I’m sure Ker will be updating us on her location shortly. Yikes! Just heard the basement server room is in danger of flooding and later CPR may need to be performed on its vital equipment. I suppose I’d better get this posted before we lose power or at the very least, our beloved internet. Please send pontoons.

SCATTERGORIES...Rules: Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following. Please use real places, names, things, nothing made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person before you had the same first initial. You cannot use your name for the boy/girl moniker. Enjoy!

Name: Circe

1. Famous singer/band: Creed
2. 4 letter word: Cash
3. Street name: Central
4. Color: Crimson
5. Gifts/present: Chocolate
6. Vehicle: Camaro
7. Things in a Souvenir Shop: Candles
8. Boy Name: Chandler
9. Girl Name: Christina
10. Movie Title: Caddyshack
11. Drink: Chardonnay (duh!)
12. Occupation: Carpenter
13. Flower: Chrysanthemum
14. Celebrity: Cher
15. Magazine: Cosmo
16. U.S. City: Cleveland! (double duh!)
17. Pro Sports Teams: Cavaliers
18. Something Found in the Kitchen: Cutting board
19. Reason for Being Late for Work: Cramps, Cooties
20. Something you throw away: Cut off ends
21. Things You Shout: Crap!
22. Cartoon Character: Cartman
23. Animal: Cat
24. Favorite Thing To Do: Crayon?
25. Food: Candy


Monday, May 07, 2007

Grab Your Grapes and Cough

MySpace is so irritating. When you're trying to find someone... you can't. When you want to hide.... you can't do that either! lol

A friend (distant) is supposedly having a little fling and he's got it on his MySpace. Well, obviously he's used bogus info to create the page... if he's smart he did. But nothing I search for finds him. I can narrow my search down to about 2000 people and of them... who really knows because they either don't have a real picture up or the name is all screwy or the page is locked or it goes on and on.

As i'm searching, i'm eating a big bag of red grapes - which i just purchased last night. I'm plunking them in my mouth one at a time... chewing... reading... clicking... plunk and chew again. For one reason or another, about 20 grapes into it I look at the next grape and BLAH all over it is the blackest, fuzziest, hairiest crapola! I checked my bag for indications of more fuzz and I find nothing. The grapes are new! They are the sweetest plumpest grapes... no way can they be old or have a chance to grow hair!

I tossed the grape in the trash and immediately felt stomach pains. I'm not sure that I even ate a grape with extra spices, but if I did i'll either have a tummy ache or the Hershey squirts. Something will come of the fuzz.

Rainy Days & Mondays

It looks like the beginning of a soggy week here in Okieland. We managed to miss the severe stuff Sat. night and fortunately the tornadoes forecast for yesterday never transpired but we’re not out of the woods yet. Both today and tomorrow, strong storms are predicted and there’s no telling what ghastly extras they will usher in.

Our annual downtown flower show, wine & cheesefest, dog racing, three-ring circus was held this past Saturday and though the displays seems somewhat sparse this year, and the cheese half of the wine & cheese duo was a no-show, the thirst-quenching, camaraderie-inducing vino more than made up for it. Even the winery reps proved to be on a reduced scale as less than half showed up this year and Ms Circe’s snockeredness was cut exponentially. Nevertheless, massive RVs were walked through, expensive boats were lusted after, and the ever popular people-watching proved to be a fun diversion. We met up with TBC’s bud Don and his better half and when we ate a late lunch at a nearby restaurant, more friends arrived to enliven the table. A good time was had by all and though my cute new flipflops gave me nasty blisters resulting in pitiful hobbling, I left the premises four bottles (a Chardonnay, a sweet cherry, a surprising, spicy raisin-jalapeno combo, and another semi-sweet whose name I’ve forgotten) richer. Here’s hoping for an improved, enhanced experience next year. :)