Friday, February 09, 2007

Jury Duty is Over!

I never did share the results of my Tour of Duty (Jury Duty).

I'm not sure how deep into details I can, or should get, but in the end 12 of us determined that this particular time this person was not guilty. We were pretty sure that he was up to no good and probably fixing to be in trouble, but at that particular time... he was not guilty of what he was being accused of - possession of drugs. Evidence did not prove his guilt beyond a shadow of a doubt.

So, after spending one whole year in jail awaiting a court date, he finally walked free. It was the hardest thing to not consider his previous felonies and choice of lifestyle and friends... but all we could consider was the evidence provided us. Boy, it sure it a little nerveracking to think that maybe, we were letting some major criminal go free simply due to lack of evidence on the prosecutors side.... but still, that's all we could go with. We felt, and still feel, confident in our decision.

I made some good contacts though... and a couple of new friends!

Now.... on to working on my taxes. blah!

Friday Foo Foo

Gratuitous kitty pics:

Did I just hear that contraption start up?



It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Gimme the Chocolate

I came home from work tonight and Richard had set a bowl of M&M's on the side of the Jacuzzi tub in our bathroom. I reached in the bowl to grab me a few and I noticed that they had sayings on them. I thought it was like those confection candy hearts that you get as a kid (and as big kids) in the little boxes... you know the ones that have all those different little love lines. But... after closer inspection I saw my name! He had the M&M's specially made for me!!! He is the sweetest thing ever!

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!

I'm a Dodge Viper!

You're all about raw power. You're tough, you're loud, and you don't take crap from anyone. Leave finesse to the other cars, the ones eating your dust.

Take the test here

Hells Bells

Two weekends ago, I went to a relative's wedding in town. I might as well get into the marriage mode as this is shaping up to be the Year of Relative Weddings. Three more are planned before the summer gasps its final fiery breath so this is just the initial kickoff for nuptial revelry. Yes, there were last minute hassles and typical stress, but the marriage came off without a hitch. During the music-filled reception, each different clan showed off their particular dance specialty and it was entertaining watching them strut their stuff.

I won’t bore you with dreary specifics, but here for your viewing pleasure is a shot of the groom’s cake. He’s in the landscaping business so this makes complete sense.

Is this cute or what?

Changes are afoot at Chaos College as glimmers of the promised expansion process on our selected building begin to take shape. Already we have orange mesh fencing surrounding the designated future work zones and yes, the nervous trees on this side will be spared. Our regular readers may recall the elation we office drones experienced last summer (The Floor Show) with the oogling construction workers and I’m anticipating a similar interaction when this new bunch of hard hats arrive. A little bird told me they begin next week and we can expect limited access to our structure along with all the other noises and aggravations associated with renovation procedures. This should be an interesting spring...

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Turn Turn Turn

I’ve mentioned before the situation with our country roads and about the sort of people that traverse them. Often when a strange vehicle passes by, particularly on the weekends, they aren’t necessarily out to enjoy the scenery. More often than not it means their occupants are knocking back brewskies (and blithely tossing them out the window) or making vital purchases from our friendly neighborhood drug dealer. (Yeah, he lives a few houses down. Ain’t we speshul?) We have a very sharp turn about midway down our road and on more occasions that I can count, some clueless moron has overlooked/ignored/missed the very clearly marked road signs and sailed right through the hapless homeowner’s property plowing into his vulnerable fence. I shudder to think how often that poor guy has had to repair that sucker. It’s pretty much an inside joke for the dwellers up and down our lane as we continually view the repeated demolition. Lowe’s must wiggle with delight every time he shows up.

Monday night, TBC and I were talking to his cousin’s visiting relative about yet another accident. His cousin currently resides at the beginning of our road which is perpendicular to the busy main highway. Apparently sometime late Friday night, a drunken fool lacking intimate knowledge of our tricky terrain on this particular stretch of asphalt thought it wise and prudent to fly across it at an alarming rate of speed thus coming to an abrupt and unexpected halt when he ran out of road. While most of the nearby streets do indeed cross this busy thoroughfare, ours is the exception and the inebriated gentleman found that out the hard way. Cops were called, a hospital trip ensued, wrecker services were employed, and no doubt hefty DUI charges resulted from this “little mishap.” Living in the country. There’s rarely a dull moment. *sigh*

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I'm Stylin'

Doesn’t this make an attractive accessory for my black sweater? Yes, I do realize it's backasswards but we are all proficient at deciphering mirror-speak, right? A gal in the financial aid office asked me to wear this sticker today and again tomorrow and I agreeably complied, but it just doesn’t do much for my ensemble.

And here is a pic of the startling object I found on the printer desk my plant perches on. Did I miss a vicious knife fight between rival gangs while I was blissfully walking the treadmill at lunch? At least it looked clean and ick-free.

To file in memory banks for next year’s blowout…

The’s 16 Signs You're at a Lame Super Bowl Party

16> Your friends cheer for the Budweiser Clydesdales and
groan at the Coors twins.
15> Your host serves plenty of crab cakes and Chesapeake
Lager,blissfully unaware that the Colts no longer play in
14> Tough to hear the commentary over all the knitting.
13> Your host's homemade giant plasma screen TV is leaking
all over the carpet and he wants to know if you're type A
12> For the 250,000th time, some moron says, "Da Bearz!"
11> Your boss says, "As long as you're going to the break
room, why don't you make 20 copies of the Whittaker proposal."
10> Your drunken buddy casually mentions how much better the
game would be if offensive lineman wore only thongs.
9> You miss the opening kickoff when your host insists on
watching the last five minutes of a "Will & Grace" rerun.
8> No one is allowed to do a Jell-O shot without first
hearing the host's Bill Cosby impression.
7> The guy who organized it refers to fondue as "FUNdue."
6> TV's broken, game's on the radio and Earl and Danny are
reenacting the action using marionettes.
5> "Like those Tofurkey nachos, Bob? The Tupperware bowl
they're in comes in six attractive colors for only $6.99."
4> Who knew Costco even *made* beer?!
3> After every botched play, your host, a former pro football
star, insists on showing you how he would have done it--if
he had done it.
2> "Okay, everyone: Whenever that Peyton guy throws a
touchdown, we each do a sudoku!"
1> The only wardrobe malfunction involves too much Zima and
your own man-boob.

Deranged entities stumbled their way to our preshus blog thanks to these recently-searched phrases. Though not nearly as entertaining, bizarre and gutbustingly funny as Kranki’s, this list it is nevertheless quite the eye-opener.

-spitting cobra fountain

-sagittarius female alcohol

-cold cut trio happy Gilmore

-eye of newt hangover

-cooties bug pictures

-the witches prosthetics photos

-guy sat on his face

-cats with broken tails

-a voice so husky she could pull a sled with it

-crotch itch after consuming alcohol

-braless fun

-blogging to find companionship

That last one is kind of sweet actually, but I’m very concerned about the party looking for witches with photogenic prosthetics. ;)

Monday, February 05, 2007

Tour of Duty

Day one of Jury Duty has finally come to a close!

I have only lived in this county for less than one year and already i've been summons for Jury Duty. Today, while doing mindless chitchat with one of the 400 other people crammed like sardines in a court room, I learned that he had somehow escaped the call of duty for 20 years! I have been summons at least 10 times in the past 15 years! How does this happen. What is it that i'm doing wrong.... to get drawn so many times in this duty drawing!?

I arrived at the courthouse early enough to get a front row parking spot in the parking garage. I gathered my things: gum, water, laptop and juror ID, and headed into the court house. When I got to the 5th floor, there was a line forming so I dashed in the bathroom.... tinkled.... and dashed out to find the line had grown by about 30 people. We stood for about 30 minutes and then one by one they filed us in the room, scanned our badges and had us take a seat. To wait.

We waited and waited. I watched the girl across the isle from me fall asleep, and when awoken by the guy next to her, she slung slobber all over her neck and dribbled it down her chin. Another man became irritable when he learned he would not be 'out of here' by noon. The Deputy in the room explained (as kindly as he could) that the little guy just had to be patient and wait for his name to be called to a court room... there was no other way around it.

After hours of sitting, I pulled out my laptop to do some surfing and email. However, there was no internet access available! ugh. ugh UGH! I text'd Richard and begged him to come pick me up for lunch. He and Eric made the trek across town (thank you guys.... you're both so precious!!!) to take me somewhere... anywhere.... to grab some grub. They had instructed us to not move our vehicles or we'd not be able to find a parking place when returning and we'd have to pay parking again.

At 1:30pm, I began my tour of sitting again. I nestled into my church pew and turned to look behind me only to see a man digging for the most stubborn booger i'd ever seen. I almost tossed my lunch. He dug and dug.... blah!!! This morning I had a guy coughing in my hair... so I moved... and now I have booger digger!

I partnered up with another laptop user and we swapped computer stories and played solitaire... which is how I spent the rest of the day! Finally, my name was called and I've been assigned to some jury selection and I'll be returning. Oh the Joy.

Bowl Me Over

It came as no shock that the Colts galloped past the lumbering Bears, and though the first touchdown certainly got everyone’s attention, the game itself proved to be quite a bore. However, Billy Joel’s straightforward rendition of the National Anthem was most appreciated considering how many others insist upon adding superfluous notes. And Prince did a decent job as half time entertainment despite concern for the safety of his frantically twirling backup dancers and potential electrocution of his royal highness during the persistent (purple) rain. And speaking of precipitation, I wondered how those doofuses shelling out big bucks to take up space at the stadium felt about their soggy accommodations? Fox Sports enlightened us.

Officially, less than a half-inch of rain fell on Dolphin Stadium throughout the day. Yet the persistent drizzle, combined with northeast winds that gusted to 21 mph, made the Super Bowl soggy and sloppy. Virtually everyone on both sidelines wore raincoats or jackets. Players sometimes slipped on the turf. Uniforms were soaked through by halftime and there were large pockets of empty seats - a most unusual occurrence at a Super Bowl, where face value seats cost at least $600 apiece. Jordan Gardner, 20, paid more than $5,000 for two seats in Section 416, near midfield along the Indianapolis sideline in the top deck of Dolphin Stadium. He and companion Katie Lee of New Canaan, Conn. skipped the halftime show with Prince - who won a Grammy for "Purple Rain," which he performed in what seemed like a fitting touch.

I’m going to have to side with Slate on the status of this year’s pricey, over-hyped commercial offering. “With minor exceptions, the ads this year were disappointingly small and instantly forgettable.” None could really be called exceptional but here are the few I felt were mildly amusing along with comments from Fox.

Bud Light, “Mind of Mencia”

Comedy Central's Carlos Mencia teaches a classroom full of people of various cultures of ethnicity how to ask for a Bud Light in various dialects and ethnic speak. Punchline is, if you get asked for your Bud Light, you don't speak English.

Chevy, “All-male Car Wash”

While this one would appear to be Chevy throwing a bone to the female viewers, I think it was actually a way to make all the fat men watching the Super Bowl feel better about their own bodies. Shout-out to the naked, guitar-playing cowboy who pops in at the end. Did they have to fly him in from Times Square?

GM, "Robot Unemployment"

A robot gets laid off at GM, looks for other work, has no luck, and goes to a bridge, looking to end it all. It was pretty funny up until this point, and you were waiting for some humorous payoff. But then the robot jumped ... then woke up from a dream sequence and found itself back at work. Not just a creepy ending, but unintentionally representative of the actual state of the American automaking industry.

Emerald Nuts, “Low Blood Sugar”

The Super Bowl is legendary for bringing extremely old-school stars back from wherever they've been hiding for the last decade (in most cases either Vegas or Branson, Mo.) and allowing them to star in very expensive commercials. And this year is no exception, as Robert Goulet is wreaking office havoc. Now while I normally don't approve of bringing former stars back from the dead in Super Bowl ads, the notion of Goulet causing trouble while the office is suffering from low blood sugar is pretty funny.

Chevy, “All-male Car Wash:

While this one would appear to be Chevy throwing a bone to the female viewers, I think it was actually a way to make all the fat men watching the Super Bowl feel better about their own bodies. Shout-out to the naked, guitar-playing cowboy who pops in at the end. Did they have to fly him in from Times Square?

And finally, one we could have all done without seeing:

Flomax, "Here's to Guys"

Here's to guys who want to spend more time watching the game and less time in the men's room." It's like they're talking to the newsroom. But I digress. It's really long past time where advertisers are permitted to shill drugs for men's health problems on sporting events. Legislation is necessary. Please call your congressman.

All in all, a mediocre showing...