Friday, September 29, 2006


And here is an example of sophistication and taste at its finest. So tell me...who might be attracted to this photo? A 3 yr old, a 5 yr old...or a 35 yr old? You be the judge...

Droppin the Kids off at the Pool

To get from my office to the other important offices (like payroll) I can go thru one of two doors. One leads thru the breakroom area and the other leads into the main hallway, however you pass thru an entryway that is also the mens bathroom entrance. So, you open a glass door, stand in a boxed in entryway and you can either go thru the next glass door to the hall way or turn and go into the mens bathroom.

Since the remodeling and 'boxing in' of this area this summer, there has been a nice ripe piss odor. I've learned to hold my breath before entering the area and not releasing or inhaling until i'm safely into the hallway. Not once has there been a problem or odor in the womens bathroom. Until this week.

I'm wondering if we have new employees that dont adhere to clean toilet policies or if someone is retaliating for some reason... but several times this week i've had incidences in the ladies room.

One day I walked in and the first stall I went to, still had remnants of The Hershey Squirts lingering - they needed to double, or triple flush. Another day, i was happily sitting on my potty when I got to listening to the chick in the stall next to me. Cough, sneeze, grunt, giggle, curl up paper, sneeze... i wanted to tell her it wasn't working... she wasnt covering anything up. She hopped up and went to the sink - still giggling and talking to someone... have NO idea who because it was just me and her and I wasnt uttering a word to her.

Today I go in the bathroom... the first stall had a floater and it had been there a while because it was beginning to melt *vomit in my throat*. I head to the second stall. Full of pee! I head to the third stall... bingo! It's a clean. I shut the door behind me and someone else walks in. She did the same thing I did because I could hear her go 'ugh!' and then 'oh man'... heads straight to the 4th stall.

That is just nasty... at least I havent stepped in pooh (yet) like I did at Chaos College. *vomit again*

Teddy Bear Trauma

Well gang, it’s finally Friday and it’s additionally payday! Woo hoo!!! Thought we would start off with the unpleasant news and shove it out of the way before moving on to other headlines. Before the end of this tempestuous workday, I promise to post our Friday example of Retarded Blinking Shit From Moronic Myspace Pages (RBSFMMP)!!

Killer Teddy Bear Behind Deaths of 2,500 Fish
"Stuffed animal was dropped into trout pool, clogged the flow of oxygen"

MILFORD, N.H. - A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths. Of trout, that is. State officials say a teddy bear dropped into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and suffocated the fish. Hatcheries supervisor Robert Fawcett said the bear — a Paddington Bear dressed in yellow raincoat and hat — is believed to be the first stuffed bear to cause fatalities at the facility.

Attempts At Hot Sex With Ugly Wife Only Making Things Worse

Efforts by ugly couple Morris and Rita Campbell to revitalize their marriage have been thwarted by the pair's incontrovertible ugliness, as revealed by the very hot sex that they had hoped would inject a boost of energy into their fledgling sex life. Instead of a newfound zeal for each other and increased romance, Morris explained that the malaise of an a-sexual marriage has been replaced by repulsion at the thought of frequent intercourse, a sentiment that his wife concedes is mutual. "Sure, married life has been pretty boring lately, but that's better than horrifying, which is what it became when I caught a glimpse of my wife's weird and misshapen body when the moonlight hit her just right," said a disgusted Campbell. "She was amenable to my suggestion that we try something 'new', and it wasn't all that bad, until we tried doggy-style and I saw how bad her back-acne had gotten." Campbell compared the situation to trying to masturbate in a nursing home bathroom, and that he had to fake an orgasm for the first time in his life. "It was a humiliating experience for everyone involved, and I hope that it is not soon revisited," lamented the frustrated Campbell. Campbell's wife Rita echoed his sentiments, stating that endeavors to increase the passion in the room only aroused contempt between the two. "Don't ask my how it is that I came to be staring at his butt for half of [the sex], but I did and now I think I'm scarred for life," said the distraught spouse. "I wish I could call it a 'noble effort', but the damage is irreparable, and now every time I look at his face, I'm going to be thinking of the look he made while trying to concentrate on bringing himself to climax." Despite trying heretofore unattempted positions, mostly derived from the Campbells' pocket-sized Kama Sutra (won in the neighborhood '04 Christmas party), each proved to be more luckless than the previous. "I never knew that the back of someone's knee could smell so bad," lamented the male Campbell, declining to expound upon the statement. Both Campbells agreed independently that sex, if they ever have it again, is best done in a robotic, eyes-closed fashion, which they describe as "the secret to their success" before their disastrous attempts to introduce a little pleasure into their married life. Morris claims that, despite netting zero results thus far, that he and his wife are far from done trying ways to spice up their lives. Should vain attempts at passionate sex remain fruitless, Campbell is considering other fructifying remedies. "If the sex keeps striking out, I could always start drinking heavily," suggested the desperate husband. "Sometimes when I come home at night after [bowling] league and I've had a few, something happens that makes me think that maybe she's not all that bad, and that a romp in the sack would actually make me sleep better that night. Maybe drinking is the best thing for us." Other options that Morris is considering to help save his marriage include buying a fast car, going to counseling at the Catholic Church he and his wife attend, or having illicit relations with a mistress. "Saving my marriage might turn out to be a lot of fun," expressed an optimistic Morris.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
As manager of a pet store, you've long suspected employees were flushing dead goldfish down the toilet. The poodles, on the other hand, will surprise you.


OK home skillets, here's what I am assuming is a rhetorical question in 'Myspace Speak.' This makes you sound hip and cool I surmise....
(Hold me, I feel IQ points scampering away just for posting this *gulp*)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Goose Egg

It's not really a goose egg, but it's sore.

Tuesday night my sister met me at the gym and after logging miles on the treadmill and stairstepper, we hit the free weights. I had a bar laying on the floor - doing bicep curls - and she had walked around to get some hand weights. In an instant when I bent over to pick up my bar, she came laly-gaggin around me with weights in hand... just swinging them like it was a nice spring day and she was happy to be alive... and WHAMMO schmacked me in the head with her weight.

She heard the collision and gasped for air as she waited for my reaction. Me, being the drama queen that I am (proud of it), grabbed my head and started telling her it was bleeding and I had serious trauma to the head. She busts up laughing! Seriously, it was ok.... but today it's sore. There is a little bump... but its pretty sore. She's going again with me tonite and i'm going to coordinate her lifting so she is nowhere near me with those things. She's dangerous!

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

New Feature!

Kicking off a new feature on JFF entitled Retarded Blinking Shit From Moronic Myspace Pages is a tribute to Wednesday!

Erection is Up in the air

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - A former handyman from North Providence who won more
than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a malfunctioning penile implant may not get the
money after a judge dismissed his claim.

The implant has caused Lennon to have an erection for 10 years.

Lennon received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years
before the impotence drug Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to
allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

But Lennon, 68, said he can't position his penis downward because the
device is "I'm suffering with it right now," he told The Providence Journal
during a recent interview. "It never stops. It's like a constant

Buaaahahahahah! Its a constant headache.
Why aren't there any pictures to go along with this article? There are always pictures. Did they get to view the evidence in court? Surely they each got a chance to view the evidence and guarantee with their own eyes that it in fact was faulty. Gosh, that would have been an interesting case to be on.....

Under the Influence

"Oh, Angie, Oh Angie, when will those dark clouds disappear
Angie, Angie where will it lead us from here
With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats
You can't say we're satisfied
But Angie, Angie, you can't say we never tried"
--Rolling Stones

Last night, as I lay awake waiting for sleep to come, I got to thinking about my rowdy friend, Angie. Angie was a proud Canadian but had ended up in Cleveland thanks to her parent’s divorce and her mom relocating in the States. Her brothers were older and remained in their central home province. Her mom worked as a live-in housekeeper so they moved around quite a bit throughout the metro area in the time I knew her. We met at the tender age of 12 and though I possessed my own rebellious streak, she greatly exacerbated the situation. The basic premise of our teenage friendship was she was the sparkling star and I was the plain second banana who by default always got paired with the cute guy’s obnoxious, repulsive wingman.

Angie morphed into gorgeous the day she turned 12 and it was very much a love-hate relationship on my end as my already low self-esteem plummeted to nonexistent. I recall a lot of sleepovers and on one occasion, her and her mom accompanied my family on our annual vacation to the Outer Banks. Normally we’d bunk down in the narrow motel efficiencies huddled next to the pier but this time we stayed in the nicer cottages with considerably more breathing space. Our very first evening there I was told in no uncertain terms to not go walking on the pier, but what did Angie insist on us doing? Go walking on the pier. With trepidation I knuckled under and we instantly met two local guys who escorted us to a cozy nook under the pier. Benji and Angie hit it off immediately and a vigorous makeout session commenced. I cannot say the same for Bill and I as immediate dislike took hold and we glowered menacingly from a considerable distance. Bill decided to make the best of a bad situation and his physical advances were greeted with snarling, sharp words, and a flurry of sand vigorously kicked in his direction. I’m sure he regretted tangling with the petite Northern bitch with the cutting tongue. Parental units discovered our whereabouts and I got grounded for the rest of the trip! Thanks Angie! Besides that memorable start, I recall continuously scarfing down butterscotch morsels purchased by the bagful at the nearby store while we played the card game, War. To this day, my stomach clenches in alarm when any food substance includes these chewy little additions. (Stomachs have a long memory.)

I can’t begin to tell you all the times this wild child got me in hot water but though she played all sweet and innocent, my mom had her number from the get go and watched her like a hawk. It was probably for the best she never shared any educational institutions with me as things could have been much worse. Ms Jailbait was notorious for dating older guys and when she got miffed would report their age discrepancies to authorities resulting in their arrest and incarceration. Our last encounter was right before her 16th birthday and once again she was seeing an older male. I later heard she ran away with him and never knew what became of her. The mystery was finally solved when I met her brother who was passing through Oklahoma and he informed me she had married the man and had been living in Greater Cleveland all along. He passed along her phone number and not long after I gave her a call and we caught up on our diverse lives, even exchanging a few letters. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge and all has long been forgiven and forgotten, but I’ll never forget my troublemaking buddy, non-angelic, Angie. :)

And yes, that is a pic of the exact pier, Jeanette’s Pier...

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Cry Me a River

“As she said these words her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! she was up to her chin in salt water. Her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea, 'and in that case I can go back by railway,' she said to herself. (Alice had been to the seaside once in her life, and had come to the general conclusion, that wherever you go to on the English coast you find a number of bathing machines in the sea, some children digging in the sand with wooden spades, then a row of lodging houses, and behind them a railway station.) However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high.”

Sorry for my unusual silence this week but I endured a very soggy, saline weekend making me think I had landed the starring role in Alice in Wonderland. Remember the segment where she cries copious tears and then drinks from the bottle which she declares tasted like a mix of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast (though I bet it tasted like beer), shrinking to a diminutive size thus floundering in a sea of her own salty tears? Well, that was me this weekend. :(

Issue 1
came up early Friday morning calling for further investigation. Accomplished in short order I, planned to discuss and communicate my concerns in a calm, collected manner. As usual, Mr Wonderful was several up on me in the Beer Dept. and while I quietly listened to his side of this matter, I took mental note of the many discrepancies he voiced. Then with no warning whatsoever, he proceeded to drop the sneaky diversionary Issue 2 Bombshell, sending me reeling with shock and disbelief into oblivion and temporarily averting the heat from the original Issue 1. For the first hour, I sat paralyzed, totally numb, and when the feeling returned to my limbs, the gushing waterfall commenced and continued without letup for 24 hours straight. Issue 1 was finally addressed on Saturday but my raw emotion seeped through and the weekend might pretty much be summed up as hellish as I alternately guzzled beer, sobbed, and spoke considerably more bluntly than my usual tactful self. I’ll be dearly paying for that for some time to come as one never speaks one’s true feelings on matters without endless repercussions. Sunday found me quiet but spent, feeling like a Mach truck had run over me repeatedly. Yesterday I was despondent and listless and dressed in synchronous black as I fought my emotional way back to the sunlight. I’m fine today, my usual cheerful self, and though nothing is resolved (it never is), the free fall has stopped and I can touch terra firma once again.

My preshus Kerbear just offered to help me hide the carcass. What are true friends for? :)

Monday, September 25, 2006

Weekend Updates...

Isn't that a Saturday Night Life skit? I haven't watched SNL in years. I miss the good ones when Eddie Murphy did Mr Rogers Neighborhood. ahaha

Anyways, I guess you can see I didnt get any Miami pictures on the site. I don't know where the weekend goes, but it sure doesnt allow me enough time to get done what I need to do. Friday night we took C and P to see Accepted - which is in NO WAY clean enough to be a rated PG-13 movie. I know with that rating, there is going to be some questionable material, but holy crap! the 'F' word was flying and tons of sexual enuendo's. They had to have rated it without watching the film. It was a good movie... but only for the dirty minded adults, not for sweet kiddos whose minds 'dont go there' yet!

Saturday was consumed with soccer games. My morning started early - 7:45am to be exact - with Spin class. Then after a quick shower and packing an ice chest, we headed out to spend the day at the soccer fields. P's team is really coming along and doing wonderfully. They were kicking some serious booty up to half, and then some player shuffle occured and things kinda went sour... but they still tied and played an awesome game! C scored a goal during his game *cheerleader move*... and they won!

Sunday, after lunch, we headed out to the State Fair to spend the last day trying to catch some of the rides and fattening fair good. It was busier than I expected and warmer too! My thoughts were 'if we spend two hours here that's plenty'. Five hours later..... I finally expressed my desire to leave the crowded arm pit smelly world of fun state fair and to my surprise my group agreed! I figured i'd have to fight to get to leave... but thankfully they too had sore feet and were getting frustrated by all the long lines (seems my lack of patience has worn off) so we got to go home!

We made it.... in time to watch the Season Premiere of Desperate Housewives. Yeah, baby! Its baaaaaaaaack!!!