Thursday, March 22, 2007

Another Way to Do Squats

In public restrooms you always use the toilet seat covers and if there aren't any available, you improvise and line the seat with toilet paper. Sometimes, you have to just hover. (Use the leg muscles to hold yourself up while you pee... so you dont touch the nastiness on the seat).

There are some restrooms where you cover the seat with the liner and hover anyways. It was just that nasty.

Dillards Department Store.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Note: lots of graphic language in this one.

I will never go there again! I f'ing hate that place! Besides the fact they hire the nasty of the nasties and their checkers are never checking.... they have the most idiotic register program for self-checkout!

I never do self checkout because it never works. Ever. EVER! But today I was just getting some gum so I thought surely, it could handle one little item.

I scanned my gum and hit the button to pay. I had a gift card (whole other f'ing walmart story. I did a return and instead of giving me my money back, they insisted on doing a flipping giftcard!), so I chose that little button for Wal-Mart gift cards. It said 'swipe your card', so I swiped.

THEN it said 'this card not recognized' and went back to the 'please swipe your card' screen. I double checked the card. Yep... definately a Wal-Mart gift card (thought maybe i'd grabbed my Express card instead or something). I swiped again. Nothing. So I waved over the old geezer working the 'Self-Checker - because all of our crap is just a POS - helper counter' and told him that I swiped the gift card but it said it wasn't recognized. He asked "is it a Wal-Mart gift card?" Well.... its SAYS Wal-Mart on it! I said... yes...

He then starts this shit:
Geezer: How many times did you swipe?
Me: twice
Geezer: Well, lets look at what this little lady is doing.

He shifted our attention to the wal-mart scanner screen... NOT the paypad where you scan your card and complete your transaction... which is where all of this crap had been taking place.

Me: why do I care? I just want to use that card
Geezer: Well, what is she doing? Lets watch her and see what she does.
Me: No. It says my card is not recognizable.
Geezer: If you watch, you will see that she is doing this *takes hand and waves it over the scanner*

Yea, i'm totally not seeing that AND since I can read English, i'm reading the card reader machine and doing what it tells me. IT's not taking the card.

Geezer: Just watch and you tell me what she is doing.

I'm so totally pissed at this moment that I'm fixing to pop the old goat in the jaw. I look around to see if a manager happens to be walking by so I can get this old shit in trouble.
I'm not paying attention, and it's obvious to him that he's fixing to die because i'm going to choke the ever loving shit out of him.

Geezer: Let me show you.

He takes my card and swipes it over the scanner and then the little lady in the picture changes back to the opening screen as if to start scanning again.

Geezer: See, you needed to scan it.
Me: The card reader said to SWIPE the card again.
Geezer: You need to watch the picture and she will show you what to do. It said scan.
Me: No. I know what it said and it said SWIPE THE CARD AGAIN.

I ripped my receipt out of his hand and headed to the door.

Geezer: I'm sorry to embarrass you!

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to tell him 'oh, I am NOT embarrassed!' I was so pissed off at the highest point of pisstivity it wasnt even funny! He was two seconds away from getting the crap beat out of him.

OBVIOUSLY from his desire to give lessons, they have problems with their little POS system. Why in the world would anyone swipe their card to pay and go BACK to watch the little girl to see what she did when on the keypad it SAID to swipe the card again!? There is a difference between swipe and scan.

I will Never go to Wal-Mart again.

Target it where it's at.

Little Puffs of Air

The last few weeks I've been going to yoga class. I was hesitant in the beginning, because of all the pretzel-like positions I was afraid i'd hurt my lower back even more than the car wreck did, but i've found that it's helped. I'm guessing all the stretching is a good thing because for the first time in months I havent battled daily lower back aches and pains.

My sis and I had discussed heading out to the Hornets game last night, but that meant we'd miss our new-found love. Yoga. Seeing the Hornets play meant, money spent and fattening food... Yoga meant stretching and strengthening and relaxation. We went to Yoga.

The class was almost a complete 50/50 male/female class. My sis was in front of me and Richard behind me. Next to Sheri and I were two men, and next to Richard was an older woman. We twisted and stretched for a good half hour when we headed for the floor for some ab work. We reached and crunched and raised and lowered legs and then heard 'ppfffffttttttttttttttt'

Someone farted!

Sheri and I, being the fun-loving girls that we are, looked at each other and busted up laughing. We laughed as quietly as we could but we rolled... it was uncontrollable! I knew for sure the teacher lady was going to seperate us. Richard gave us dirty stares as if to say 'shut the hell up!' Which made us laugh even harder. I'd get all settled down and dang it if I didnt look at Sheri and she's silently laughing with her face buried in the mat. I could see her body bouncing as if on a trampoline. I'd crack up again. I leaned over and said 'if you dont stop... you're gonna make me laugh so hard I'll fart!'

She laughed even more.... and clinched her butt to make sure she didn't rip one.

We kind of got it under control when it was time to roll over on our tummies to do lower back. We reached back to grab our ankles and bow our backs and directly in front of me was the culprit. My face was directly in the line of fire and I could see his butt cheeks clinched. I busted up laughing. Sheri laughed. We settled down... then I looked at Richard and saw that he was faced the same way we were (all serious and deeply into his stretch), however the ONE and ONLY person in the room that chose to face the opposite way was the lady next to him and she was holding her ankles with her back bowed.... looking directly at him with her boobs hanging out all over the place! They were all up in Richard's face. He could have latched on and nursed those suckers. I busted up laughing. He was trying to look down. I looked at Sheri, she was looking and busted up laughing.

*couple more of Richard's 'shut the hell up' looks inserted here*

After class, Richard grabbed his mat and walked past us out the door! Sheri said 'whats wrong with him!?' I had no idea. We walked out and he was gone. She said 'where did Richard go!?' I told her he must have gone to the bathroom... and complete silence between the two of us. She looked at me and said 'you don't think maybe it was Richard that farted, do you!?!?!?'

We cracked up laughing! Laughed all the way to the front door... got outside and Richard asked us 'what the heck is going on!?!?' We asked him if he ripped one... he said NO! So we told him the whole story...

He said he was trying so hard not to look at the lady with the jugs and was staring at the floor because she was 'right there'. He could have reached out and touched her. She was staring right into his eyes the entire time we were in that position.

He said.... 'you two are crazy!!!' muuuuahahahhaha THEN he adds that we're like Beavis and Butthead. Sheri is Butthead. lol

Next class, I bet Sheri and I get seperated. Just like in school.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Ego Annie

Isn’t it funny how an unexpected phone call can bring memories flooding back? Last week I was left a voicemail from a name I most definitely knew from the distant, fog-shrouded past. Ah yes, Annie. Our youthful, spoiled, blonde minion who thought she was better than all the rest of us combined. Back in the stone age, my office was across the hallway as I assisted a different department and Ms. Annie briefly played the role of switchboard operator. Several operators have come and gone during my employment here and I’ve experienced amicable relations with one and all, until her... Lovely though she was, her lowly rank failed to squelch her lofty opinion of herself as she felt she deserved all the amenities due those of lengthier employment and more complex duties. Hence the clash. No, it wasn’t overt, but it was subtly felt and completely discerned nevertheless. I recall two specific occasions when we went toe-to-toe on this difference of opinion. Switchboard chicks usually took their lunch hour later than the majority of employees as a fill-in was required to relieve them. Ms. Wonderful insisted on a noon lunch hour to coincide with her darling husband’s schedule. My spineless boss meekly caved in to her demands and had us alternate the coveted hour. Demerits for him. On another occasion, a beloved coworker passed away and though the princess’ employment had been very brief and her passing acquaintance with this colleague extremely suspect, our precocious child petulantly begged to attend the funeral and once again my jellyfish superior capitulated and asked me to stay behind. These and other instances kept a cordial relationship from developing but one day I discovered a closely-guarded secret she had kept from everyone and my whole attitude changed. After her daily noon visit to a local diner accompanied by her better half, she made a speedy pit-stop into the ‘think tank’ before returning to her afternoon duties. I happened to be the next visitor and my horrified eyes discovered the undisclosed mystery behind her weight maintenance program. There to my wondrous eyes was obvious evidence of undigested food that had stubbornly refused to flush. I felt shock followed by deep sadness. How could I dislike this troubled soul after stumbling upon this closely-guarded skeleton? My dislike for her evaporated like the morning mist and it wasn’t long after that she moved on to greener pastures. I hope she slew those inner demons and that her life has since followed smoother pathways.



Morning Drive

It's no secret that i'm not a big fan of Julia Roberts but it always seems i'm the only one that has such disinterest in her or her acting. Her starring in a movie is not going to draw me closer to seeing it. Chances are, i'll skip it.

BUT this morning while listening to my beloved Rock 100.5 THE KATT, Rick and Brad were discussing Hollywood's hottest moms (of course Angelina Jolie Pitt came first) and in the lineup was Julia Roberts. One of them was listing the momma's... and when it came to Julia, the other one said 'no! She grosses me out. She is not hot!'

Thank you! Thank you very much. Someone finally sees it my way! She isn't 'Pretty Woman' and should not have been cast in that movie. She has the same dorky screaming loud laugh in every movie which I remember first being in Pretty Woman. It seems like she plays the same charcter, different movie title.

They continued on with the list: Angelina, Reese Witherspoon, Gwenyth Paltrow, Demi Moore, and then got to talking about Demi Moore's oldest daughter, Rumer.

You know how Brad Pitt and Angelina had Shiloh and she's the prettiest little baby!? She has two gorgeous parents and they made a beautiful child. Well here's a case where two good looking people did not create beautiful offspring. This oldest daughter got the worst traits of each parent and it's not pretty. She looks like a Mr Potato Head with all the wrong parts.

I never did think she was attractive either.