Friday, September 29, 2006
Teddy Bear Trauma
Well gang, it’s finally Friday and it’s additionally payday! Woo hoo!!! Thought we would start off with the unpleasant news and shove it out of the way before moving on to other headlines. Before the end of this tempestuous workday, I promise to post our Friday example of Retarded Blinking Shit From Moronic Myspace Pages (RBSFMMP)!!
Killer Teddy Bear Behind Deaths of 2,500 Fish
"Stuffed animal was dropped into trout pool, clogged the flow of oxygen"
MILFORD, N.H. - A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths. Of trout, that is. State officials say a teddy bear dropped into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and suffocated the fish. Hatcheries supervisor Robert Fawcett said the bear — a Paddington Bear dressed in yellow raincoat and hat — is believed to be the first stuffed bear to cause fatalities at the facility.
Attempts At Hot Sex With Ugly Wife Only Making Things Worse
Efforts by ugly couple Morris and Rita Campbell to revitalize their marriage have been thwarted by the pair's incontrovertible ugliness, as revealed by the very hot sex that they had hoped would inject a boost of energy into their fledgling sex life. Instead of a newfound zeal for each other and increased romance, Morris explained that the malaise of an a-sexual marriage has been replaced by repulsion at the thought of frequent intercourse, a sentiment that his wife concedes is mutual. "Sure, married life has been pretty boring lately, but that's better than horrifying, which is what it became when I caught a glimpse of my wife's weird and misshapen body when the moonlight hit her just right," said a disgusted Campbell. "She was amenable to my suggestion that we try something 'new', and it wasn't all that bad, until we tried doggy-style and I saw how bad her back-acne had gotten." Campbell compared the situation to trying to masturbate in a nursing home bathroom, and that he had to fake an orgasm for the first time in his life. "It was a humiliating experience for everyone involved, and I hope that it is not soon revisited," lamented the frustrated Campbell. Campbell's wife Rita echoed his sentiments, stating that endeavors to increase the passion in the room only aroused contempt between the two. "Don't ask my how it is that I came to be staring at his butt for half of [the sex], but I did and now I think I'm scarred for life," said the distraught spouse. "I wish I could call it a 'noble effort', but the damage is irreparable, and now every time I look at his face, I'm going to be thinking of the look he made while trying to concentrate on bringing himself to climax." Despite trying heretofore unattempted positions, mostly derived from the Campbells' pocket-sized Kama Sutra (won in the neighborhood '04 Christmas party), each proved to be more luckless than the previous. "I never knew that the back of someone's knee could smell so bad," lamented the male Campbell, declining to expound upon the statement. Both Campbells agreed independently that sex, if they ever have it again, is best done in a robotic, eyes-closed fashion, which they describe as "the secret to their success" before their disastrous attempts to introduce a little pleasure into their married life. Morris claims that, despite netting zero results thus far, that he and his wife are far from done trying ways to spice up their lives. Should vain attempts at passionate sex remain fruitless, Campbell is considering other fructifying remedies. "If the sex keeps striking out, I could always start drinking heavily," suggested the desperate husband. "Sometimes when I come home at night after [bowling] league and I've had a few, something happens that makes me think that maybe she's not all that bad, and that a romp in the sack would actually make me sleep better that night. Maybe drinking is the best thing for us." Other options that Morris is considering to help save his marriage include buying a fast car, going to counseling at the Catholic Church he and his wife attend, or having illicit relations with a mistress. "Saving my marriage might turn out to be a lot of fun," expressed an optimistic Morris.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
As manager of a pet store, you've long suspected employees were flushing dead goldfish down the toilet. The poodles, on the other hand, will surprise you.