Let's Twist Again

I found this priceless game several posts back on Monty’s The Daily Bitch site and laughed my head off. I still remember the time I was driving home from work a few years ago and there were storm spotters at regular intervals stopped all along the highway gazing eastward. I nervously thought, “This can’t be good.” The kicker was when I arrived home and there was a spotter truck right in front of my house!!! We would be hosting a small dinner party that evening and this turn of events made for some anxious dinner conversation around the table. Though I periodically ran outside to check the sky and was standing in the front yard when the wall cloud passed right over us, we never did have to head for the cellar and the evening concluded without injury.

Before we let the games begin, I must preface this by saying I am unable to receive Oklahoma City TV stations on our satellite dish because I live across a county line that divides us as to what are considered “local stations” thus throwing us into the Tulsa viewing area. While I like Tulsa just fine, I detest their screwed up idea of a weather map in the lower right hand corner of the screen. It is the funkiest shape ever (I need to get a pic of that and show you--it is worthless) and only shows preshus Tulsa and a few surrounding counties. This leaves my unnamed town stranded in the far left corner oblivious to vicious, bulging, reddish-hued fronts baring down on poor, pitiful us much like this massive dick threatening my home state and part of PA.

In honor of this twister intensive state, let’s prepare to break out the annual GARY ENGLAND DRINKING GAME! If you have ever lived in Oklahoma this game will make perfect sense to you or even if you’ve paid us a visit especially in April, May, or June, this will make perfect sense. Have fun!

Pregame

1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Castor. (Val lives in Stillwater and Gary talks to him CONSTANTLY.) Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser. Take four drinks if your storm chaser says "tornado on the ground!"

2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County. (Because we are always hearing about Pottawatomie County.) Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county. Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.

One drink

1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following: Hook Echo | Updraft | Metro | Doppler radar | Wall cloud |Ranger 9 | Underground | Mobile home

2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list. (Oklahoma has 77 counties but somehow they all get mentioned at some point.)

3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program. Take one drink if Gary says "You’re not missing any of [program name]." (This is a major concern dammit!) Take one drink when Gary says "We’ll keep you advised." (Like we had any doubt he wouldn’t.)

Two drinks

1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following: Baseball-sized hail |Waterloo Road | Pottawatomie County | Deer Creek High School (How many times has that high school been hit anyway?!?)

2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns: Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici |Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah (The only one that is even slightly big is Altus.) (C note: Amazingly, my county isn’t mentioned but believe me, it gets plenty of action.)

3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Castor. (Now we are gonna get really drunk!)

Three drinks

1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Castor.

2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.

3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following: Immediate tornado precautions | National Weather Service | Mesocyclone | Portable Radio | Take shelter | Tornado warning in effect until ...

Four drinks

1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel. (Notice it doesn't say when it lands to take cover, we don't land our aircraft in a tornado around here, we fly AROUND them.)

2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS (He's a renegade that way) or says the following: "Will someone please answer that phone?" (He takes this stuff seriously damn it, answer the phone.) or "Do you see the power flashes?"

3. Take four drinks if a shirtless tornado victim is interviewed. (Redneck land, yo. There is a reason I get dressed and put on shoes when a storm is in the vicinity.) (C note: I do too before I head to our wine, er, storm cellar.)

Finish your drink

1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the cross streets nearest to you.

2. If Gary says "We’ve lost Val," pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink. (Poor Val…)

If THAT won't get you drunk, it can't be done.

Welcome to my world…