It's Like a Heatwave

Greetings and salutations from the bowels of hell. Yes gang, though we are far from alone, Okiedokieland is experiencing some serious, steaming blasts of blistering air as we head toward August. This mixture of hot, dry, and windy occurs every summer so it should come as no surprise to residents but it’s still annoying and makes us miserable. In my case I felt, to use a technical term, ‘yucky’ for the past week and finally gave in and visited the doctor. Much to my dismay, I was informed I had allergies and very possibly the culprit was dust. Great. Dust. Like I can do much about that most common of all substances. Anyway, he prescribed allergy meds and while they worked just dandy yesterday, they had the nasty downside of keeping me tossing and turning ALL night resulting in one blonde zombie this morning. The Grand Poohbah is out of the office for a few days but the second-in-command still called an abbreviated council. I glowered menacingly from my desk and when a certain fat, lazyass, POS female slacker (who will remain nameless) had the utter gall to ask if I had to take notes for every meeting I lost it and loudly informed the assembled gang I was NOT doing it today!!! As they all collectively thought, “Circe’s in one hell of a mood,” no one dared speak to the contrary.

I’m trying to think what exciting everyday adventures our precious readers have missed concerning your Metal Fly trio. Being unable to post caused untold suffering, sorrow and consternation resulting in serious blog withdrawals so we are delighted to be back amongst our witty-fingered friends. In conclusion, (said in best Michael Jackson falsetto,) “We love you all!”

The Topfive.com’s Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Magician

Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.

Before every trick, tells hostess, "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."

Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? “Ohshitohshitohshit!!"

During intermission, she made your 15-year-old son's virginity disappear.

All of his "tricks" are written in C++.

Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."

His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.

Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but the Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.